The Cream of the Crap

April 29, 2009

Wow, it’s been awhile since I’ve updated. I apologize for the ABS (abandoned blog syndrome) and hopefully now that school is over, I might have a bit more time for writing.

Today I’d like to present a list that I’ve been inspired to make recently. There are such things as bad movies. There are also some movies so awful that they’re hilarious to watch. I’ve always thought that if you can at least garner some unintentional humour from a bad movie, then it isn’t a pure waste of your time. There’s nothing more depressing than a bad movie that just flat out sucks, and doesn’t hold the redeemable qualities of being hilarious. That’s minutes of your life being sucked away (I’m looking at you 21!). Anyway, without further ado, a list of some of my favourite good “bad” movies, in no specific order.

The Wicker Man

“Killing me won’t bring back your goddamn honey!” – Edward Malus

I figured I would start with a doozy, and this one is probably the modern king of badly executed horror movies. I’ve never laughed so hard at a movie that’s tried to be serious. Nicolas Cage is a detective sent to investigate the disappearance of a little girl on some mysterious island inhabited by a crazy sect of women. Also, they like bees. A lot.

The Bees! AGH the bees!

The Bees! AGH the bees!

Cage carries this one entirely on his back. From start to finish, his combination of horrendous lines and hilarious women abuse (I don’t condone women abuse, but you can’t not laugh when Nick Cage roundhouse kicks a woman in the head while being attacked by a group of about 100) creating a constant stream of funny moments. The climax of the film is probably Cage running through a forest in a bear costume, and punching out women. I’ll always have a soft spot for the scene where he steals a bike from a woman at gunpoint, delivering the classic “Step away from the bike!”. I could spend an eternity just listing quotes here, but I’ll just say watch the damn thing. One of the most unforgettably bad movies in recent times.

Street Fighter

Ryu: No thanks! I already found something worthwhile.
Ken: I don’t understand!
Ryu: I know you don’t.

You should buy this movie

You should buy this movie

This exchange encapsulates Street Fighter perfectly. The lucky viewer can see the gold mine locked within this movie, but some just don’t get it. Back in the day, Street Fighter was a crazy popular arcade game, (still popular, number 4 just came out) and I guess they wanted to translate that success to the movie screen. Unfortunately for them (and fortunately for us), instead of an awesome action packed thriller, we got an awesome, hilarious action movie that I could watch over and over again.

First, probably one of the worst castings (or best?) is Jean Claude van Damme as American Colonel Guile. I’ll say that again, AMERICAN Colonel Guile. Thus for the entire movie, we get an American leader talking about kicking foreign terrorist M. Bison’s ass in a delightful European accent. The dialogue doesn’t help van Damme much here either, with gems like “You hostages! If you can hear me, we’re coming! We’re coming! Charlie! Charlie, hang on, buddy! We’re coming! We’re coming! Hang on, buddy! “, it’s kind of hard to take the movie seriously at any time.

The characters in this movie are essentially cartoons. Bison is so ridiculously evil it’s hilarious. Like all evil madmen, he wants to take over the world. His goons like Zangief the Russian and Dee Jay the Jamaican are complete stereotypes, and I wouldn’t want it any other way. Really, I don’t think I can name one video game movie that’s translated well to the big screen (I’m looking at you Uwe Boll), and this one is no exception. Sure the characters are cartoony looking in the game, but they’ve got backstories that are pretty much thrown away for this movie. That being said the movie is still hilariously awesome, and I recommend it wholeheartedly. I’ll leave you with one last quote.

A.N. Official: Colonel, have you lost your mind?
Colonel William F. Guile: No! You’ve lost your balls!

The L.A Riot Spectacular

Snoop Dogg fighting the man.

Snoop Dogg fighting the man.

This movie should be horrible. By all forms of rating movies, it should really be bad. It’s horribly racist, violent, and full of offensive language. Yet, why can’t I stop laughing?

This movie was released in 2006, and is a satire on the Rodney King beating, and the subsequent riots that resulted in Los Angeles. That’s right, this is a satire. The thing that makes this movie work is that even though it’s chalk full of some of the most racist things I’ve seen on film, they don’t hold back from anyone. Black, white, asian, it doesn’t matter, they all get their fair share of jokes.

The movie also features a great cast, including Emilio Estevez, Snoop Dogg, and even George Hamilton. Ok, well in terms of this list at least. Emilio is awesome as a white cop involved in the King beating, and George Hamilton as the King of LA is priceless.

I really don’t have much else to say here, except that it’s a great movie. The only reason it’s even on here is because by all accounts it should be a huge flop from how offensive and volatile the content is. It doesn’t get much love, and the IMDB is really empty. Hopefully I can the word out to a few more people to see this hidden gem.

Return to Horror High

Well, would you care to walk around in the scene with your schlong hanging out? Only in your case, darling, it would be a *schlort*. – Callie Cassidy

With George Clooney! Dont forget him!

With George Clooney! Don't forget him!

Oh man, this one was an awesome find. I still remember the day my buddy and I just grabbed it at our local video store, and put it on. What starts as a stereotypical horror movie actually turns into an incredibly funny, and eventually mind blowing ending. Well, not mind blowing, but at least, impressive condisdering the movie it was coming from.

The great part about this movie is that it knows it sucks. This movie poked at horror conventions years before Scream, and damn is it funny. The main story features a film crew shooting a movie at a high school, that was the scene for some horrible murders years ago. From every scene in the “movie”, you can tell the directors made it laughably bad on purpose. Once the actual “real” movie begins, it turns into your standard slasher, terrible dialogue movie, but that still holds some hilarious elements. It even comes with a sex scene, complete with atrocious music.

This movie features a young George Clooney. Not that it’s important, because he dies in the first 10 minutes (spoilers!). The box just seems to think it’s important to give him top billing, and if that leads more people to see this movie, then I’m glad. It’s kind of hard to find now, I think, but if you get the chance to see it, don’t miss out.

Drive Thru

“How many times do I have to tell you? I was being chased by a seven foot tall Horny the Clown with a meat cleaver!” – Mackenzie Carpenter

Everything about this movie you need to know is that one above line. If you don’t want to see this film after reading that line, then I feel sorry for you. Drive Thru is an awesome, awesomely bad horror movie. I find that horror movies tend to dominate this kind of list, because of the fact they seem to feel serious, and when they fail, it’s funny. Well, there’s not much serious about this one. This entire movie was made to be hilarious.

The opening scene, with a bunch of white kids acting gangsta in a Drive Thru (Hella Burger, they’re Hella good!). It’s one of those horror movies where you actually want to see the killer murder people, mostly due to their incredible obnoxiousness. Plus, Horny the Clown is one of those wisecracking killers, with hilarious lines in almost every scene he’s in (“Employee of the Month’s ’bout to fuck you up!”).

Horny the Clown

Horny the Clown

The star power in this movie comes from Morgan Spurlock. That’s right, the Super Size Me guy is the biggest name in this thing. He’s only got a throwaway role as a fast food restaurant manager, but he’s still pretty funny. Aside from that, it’s just a bunch of teens being systemically killed by a horrible demon clown. The phrase “Horrible Demon Clown” isn’t used much to describe movies, and that saddens me.

Well, that’s all for now. I hope that if you haven’t seen some of these movies, you feel compelled to now. Just get a few friends together, pop one in, and get ready to laugh. If there’s one thing bad movies should be good for, it’s being ridiculed.


One Response to “The Cream of the Crap”

  1. Crystal Lein Says:

    Another good article you post here.I m waiting for others to share it with my friends.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: