Not a Fan #1: Vampires

July 15, 2009

I’ve come to notice that pop culture has become oddly fascinated with vampires lately. They’re in books, movies, even HBO. I’m really baffled by the popularity of these creatures. Why is that you might ask? Well, I believe that vampires are fucking lame that’s why, and I’ll explain why in this ever informative blog.

Vampires are probably one of the wussiest monsters in the history of fiction. What can you you do to hurt a vampire? Stakes, garlic, holy water, sunlight, the list goes on. In fact I found a website that lists TEN different ways to despose of a vampire. Vampires are clearly pussies. I can’t get behind a monster that can get killed over half a dozen ways. Let’s take the werewolf as another example. How do you kill one of those? Silver. The same site mentioned above lists six ways to kill a werewolf, but all of them involve a weapon made of silver, or some mercury. That’s it.

I’m sure someone might say “well, there’s different types of vampires!” or ” doesn’t actually work.”. This is true, there are different vampires. Some sparkle. The key thing they have in common is that they’re all lame.

Now, I understand that not just vampires have become prevalent in pop culture lately. In fact zombies have also taken a huge surge forward in terms of popular monsters. Think about this however, how many people are fans of the actual zombies? Really, the only thing people care about zombies for is to see them get killed/blown up/destroyed. Nobody goes to a zombie movie to see it shuffle around moaning. You go to a zombie movie to see some heads get blown off. With vampires, they’ve gotten this weird romantic stigma attached to them, which is really just creepy. If women were truly attracted to men who spend all day inside and drink weird shit, then a lot of geeks would be getting laid instead of playing D&D.

So what are the advantages to being a vampire? Well, you can fly, which would be pretty cool I guess. You get immortality, but really, who would want to live forever? Have you SEEN the world lately? Imagine having to live through hundreds of years of mankind’s bullshit. I’d be begging for a nice stake through the chest.

I guess what I’m trying to say here is that I’m not a fan of the vampires. Nope. It saddens me when I go to the book store, and now they have what looks like a section devoted to vampire novels, and not just that really popular series which I don’t want to mention by name because I don’t like to advertise softcore porn directed at young girls. Stephen King said the author of those books “can’t write a darn” and is “not very good” which unleashed an unholy shitstorm of angry fangirls on youtube, so I don’t want to be the victim of an internet lynching.

Until next time,

– D

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2 Responses to “Not a Fan #1: Vampires”

  1. Graham Says:

    ROFLMFAOHXCTTMBBQ
    thank you.

  2. Barb Says:

    Great read Darc…but you have to admit…Lost Boys WAS pretty good. And there was some good vampire killing scenes!! Plus, two words…Keifer Sutherland!


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