The Hooray for Reading! Book Review – New Moon

November 21, 2009

There were a million ways I had thought of to start this. Even now, I wonder if I’m writing this in the funniest, or at least, most understandable format. I have been planning this blog for weeks, and yet haven’t written a single word. Until now. There really isn’t a better time for this, considering the movie release, and that’s always a good time to jump on a gravy train. But I’m not here to talk about a movie, oh no, I’m here to talk about something much more sinister.

I have a copy of New Moon. The book. Beside me right now. I have had this book since August, when I grabbed it from a lost and found at my work. I had to read it. I had to know what the hell the fuss was about. I had to share it with my roommates. I had no idea what I was getting into.

The first thing I noticed after reading a few brief passages was that my brain actually began to eat itself. I thought I had suffered a mild aneurysm, because I couldn’t comprehend an appropriate thought to describe what I was feeling. As someone who never shuts the hell up, I was shocked to be rendered speechless. I finally said the only complete thought that came to mind.

“This isn’t real”

Alright, obviously it isn’t real, it’s fiction. That isn’t what I was thinking. I mean the whole book, the fact that it was published. That someone actually wrote it, found someone willing to put it on shelves, and for people to pick it up and read it. I was questioning reality. As I delved deeper and deeper, I began to feel more and more like someone had arranged some massive practical joke that was determined to destroy my sanity.

Now I am not a reader of “great” literature by any means. I am also not an accomplished writer. I am also quite positive that New Moon was written by a 13-year-old girl, or at least, someone who thinks a novel should be a paperback equivalent of creepy fan fiction normally reserved for the darkest corners of the internet. I have a copy of a Goosebumps book that I took from a box on the street last year, and I swear to God it has a better plot, character development, and overall appeal than this book. I’m jumping ahead slightly, we’ll get to characters in a minute. Let’s take the plot route.

Listen, if you’re going to do the whole “vampires and werewolves are like Romeo and Juliet thing”, don’t fucking quote Romeo and Juliet incessantly in the book. The point of allusion isn’t to bash the readers head in with it. I swear the author just sat there and thought “LOL, this is just like Shakespeare, I should put a quote from it at the beginning. And then make the characters watch the movie. I sure hope my readers get the comparison here!”. Plus didn’t the Underworld movies just do this in like, the last few years?

Okay screw it, I want to talk about the characters. Besides having about as much depth as a wading pool, the narrator Bella is essentially a perfect example of everything young girls should avoid being. I seriously couldn’t believe that the book was written by a woman, when the main character seemed so powerless and pathetic. Basically, through reading this book, you learn a few things about being a young girl. You should moon after incredibly dangerous, controlling (but at least good-looking!) men. You should also thank God every single day, that that man has chosen you, because you are not worthy of affection from an attractive man, being the pathetic girl that you are. Go ahead, don’t assume you have some sort of redeeming quality he sees in you, he’s just pitying you and thank your damn lucky stars he hasn’t realized how awful you are.

Great self-esteem boost, huh? You’d think I’m reading into this, but when a girl is constantly saying things to the tune of “He looked like a god. I looked very average, even for a human, almost shamefully plain. I flipped the picture over with a feeling of disgust.” I think it shows a little bit of an image issue. That and the fact she worships the ground he walks on, is sending a great message to all the preteen girls out there reading this book.

It’s a softcore creepy vampire fantasy really. The character Edward is so disgustingly perfect in every way. Of course he’s smart, handsome, dangerous, lightning quick. Did I mention he sparkles? I guess that one’s played out by now. He writes music too. What a catch, keep your eyes out for that one girls. Oh, and there’s another guy now, Jacob. He’s like, a werewolf or something. Though, when our fearless protagonist meets a bunch of them, they’re “just four really big half-naked boys”. How sexy.

It’s getting late, so I think I’ll just finish with a bunch of quotes from random pages and make smart ass comments.

“what with his chest being hard and cold—-and perfect…”

Hard and cold wouldn’t my idea of perfect man, unless I was a necrophiliac I guess.

“how was I supposed to explain the fact that the brilliant sunbeams were shattering off his skin into a thousand rainbow shards like he was made of crystal or diamond?”

Body glitter will do that.

“Even after half a year with him, I still couldn’t believe that I deserved this degree of good fortune”

Oh come on, you’re probably a nice girl, luck had nothing to do with it!
“He, for some unfathomable reason, wanted to be with me”

Or maybe not. See a counselor.

“It was almost uncanny that anyone could look so…so…beyond description

I love…love…when people overuse ellipses.

“Besides, the only kind of heaven I could appreciate would have to include Edward”

I’ve got some bad news, I don’t think the bible says anything about vampires in heaven.

“Love, life, meaning…over.”

My God, how can she live on without her precious Edward?

“Jacob was a gift from the gods”

Oh I see. That was quick.

Well, I guess that’s enough of my being an asshole. I fully understand that there are millions of people who have bought this book, and expect a hearty amount of hate mail, comments, etc. If someone can come up with a valid and well written counter argument, by all means, send it to me. Of course, this is all my opinion, so don’t get too uptight about it. After all, I’m just one smart ass, and there are millions of Twilight fans. Millions of people can’t be wrong, right?

Man that blog took forever. Now I’ll relax and listen to some Muse, that will get my mind of of that terrible book. Wait a second…

*opens New Moon and reads*

“There are emotions, scenes, and plot threads in this novel that were born from Muse songs and would not exist without their genius”

God damn you Stephenie Meyer, God damn you.

One Response to “The Hooray for Reading! Book Review – New Moon”

  1. graham Says:

    Made my life. Thank you.

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